Walking with a Limp

I can talk a good talk.

Discernment. Theology. Doctrines of Grace. Evangelism. Church Structure. The Bible. Decision Making. Sovereignty of God. Eschatology. Church Growth. Evangelism. Brotherly Love. Racism. Give me a topic and I can pontificate quite eloquently (better in person than on the keyboard…my gift of gab is greater than my gift of blog). But, please don’t look at my life and evaluate me from that perspective. For, if you do you may be unpleasantly surprised.

I can talk a good talk…but I walk with a limp.

I must confess that the words coming out of my mouth are more righteous and God-honoring than my heart. I have done a couple of posts concerning some churches I have taken note of which have moved from their communities to relocate to the county in which we live. They are here and here. I waxed eloquent (that’s up for debate, I know) about the pathetic actions of these churches and, most likely, many of the members for making such a terrible statement to their part of the world by moving away from their changing surroundings.

In my thoughts and desires, I have already done the very same thing. You see, the house right next to us is now vacant and up for sale. The (white) couple who lived there for six years recently relocated to the north side so that the husband could be closer to his place of work and cut down on the massive time spent commuting each day. I have said to myself and to Pam that I just hope we get a good family with kids to move in. I expressed to Pam that it would be great to get a couple to buy the house that were like-minded that we could become good friends with, and that I didn’t care if they were black or white.

In my heart of hearts, I must confess that that is not really what I have been hoping, and my true desires surfaced on me the other day as I was pulling out of my driveway, and noticed a black woman walking over to the For Sale sign in the yard next door to get one of the information sheets about the house. My first thought as I saw her was O no, I hope she doesn’t like the house. And, immediately, I became aware of the wickedness of my heart, and of my sin.

As I said, I can talk a good talk…but I walk with a limp. God forgive me for committing murder in my heart. I desperately want to not care who moves in next door, but in my inner most thoughts and desires, I must confess that I am struggling with my own prejudice and preference. I truly believe that I wouldn’t mind it if a black family moved in…just so long as they were believers, conservative, and reformational in their theology! O God, create in me a clean heart willing…one that gives true testimony to the desires of my heart!

For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.

For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!